By Aaron Kaplan
I have always marveled at how spouses or long-time best friends are able to work together as business partners. After all, they have both a personal and professional relationship with each other which requires them to compartmentalize each relationship, making sure personal issues are not brought into their workplace and professional issues are not brought into their personal lives. However, as human beings, disagreements and conflicts are inevitable. Fortunately, they can also be diffused before they escalate and wreak havoc on both the business and the personal relationships.
World-renowned researcher on marriage and relationships, Dr. John Gottman, says there are four negative communication styles that can lead to the destruction of relationships which he refers to as “the four horsemen of the apocalypse”:
- Criticism: Criticizing is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. It is an attack on your partner at the core. In effect, you are dismantling their entire being when you criticize. It winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict.
- Contempt: Contempt is the best predictor of the destruction of a relationship because when someone communicates in this state, they are truly acting mean. Treating others with disrespect makes them feel despised and worthless. Without respect, there can be no relationship.
- Defensiveness: Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. By not taking responsibility for the problem, when we feel accused unjustly, we fish for excuses so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take them seriously. Defensiveness gets in the way of two people working as a team to figure out a solution.
- Stonewalling: Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, also known as the silent treatment. When someone shuts down, it only makes things worse and causes things to escalate. So it’s a very disruptive pattern.
According to Dr. Gottman, there are three things one should never say in an argument:
- You never….
- You always….
- Anything insulting or sounding superior.
Ineffective and even destructive communication styles are a reflection of how we view the other person. Do we see them as objects, vehicles, meal tickets, or obstacles? Or do we see them as human beings that have the same wants, needs, and fears that we have? If our patterns of communication are not working, we can always try other approaches which may get different results.
If you are experiencing disagreements or conflicts in your relationship with your business partner, ask yourself the following questions:
- What are the symptoms you’ve felt that have given you cause to wonder if your partnership/relationship is not working?
- How would you like it to be instead?
- What have you done so far to establish communication about these concerns with your partner?
- Which patterns in your relationship are not contributing to your partnership?
- What role do you play in the partnership?
If these qualities of conflicts and disagreements are present in the day to day operation of your business, they may end up costing you lots of time, effort, and money to repair the damage that has been done. Taking the “high road” in your communication to resolve disagreements and conflicts with your business partner can be a much more satisfying pathway. It all depends on you what direction you choose when one of those forks in the road occurs – to be your best self or not.
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Aaron Kaplan, Founder/Director of the Kaplan Project LLC, can be reached by phone at 832-831-9451, by email at [email protected], or visit his website at www.thekaplanprojectcoaching.com.
